How to Speak Geek — Fantasy Version

Have you ever been part of a conversation where you thought everyone was speaking another language? They’re tossing terms around like beanbags and you’re thirty sentences behind, trying to figure out what the heck they’re talking about.

If you’ve ever been around engineers, you know what I mean.

It occurred to me that those of us in Geekville are often guilty of the same thing. When we find someone else like us, we freak out with excitement and the phrases and inside jokes start rolling faster than Fatty Bolger down a hill.

But is that thoughtful of us? Have we ever stopped to consider that perhaps our non-geek or newly minted geek friends feel left out? Maybe they want to learn how to speak geek, but no one has taken the time to show them.

Until now.

excited man

Photo credit: Olichel on

If you’re the type of person who has wondered what in the blue blazes us geeks mean by our incoherent, cryptic chatter, you’re about to find out.

And if you’re one of the people who engage in said cryptic chatter, read on anyway. Hopefully you’ll get a kick out of it.

Taken from a few well-known fantasy fandoms, here is How to Speak Geek – Fantasy Version, containing popular phrases and their implicit, explicit, or mainly humorous-but-not-serious meanings.

Education at its finest and geekiest.

Harry Potter

Phrase: ten points for Gryffindor


  • Well done and keep up the good work
  • Everybody cheer because the good guys are winning
  • If you behave, study hard, and do great things, you too can receive compliments
  • Take that, Slytherin

Phrase: expectro patronum


  • This is my attempt to educate you in pseudo-Latin
  • Fear me, because I’m about to have powerful help
  • If I’m doing this, don’t worry, I’m probably one of the good guys
  • Let’s cast a spell and blow some minds
  • Get ready to see a cool creature materialize in front of you

Lord of the Rings

Phrase: not all who wander are lost


  • Wandering people actually know where they’re going
  • Just because Siri screws up doesn’t mean she’s incompetent, only confused
  • Honey, trust me….I don’t need to ask for directions
  • It’s not my fault the stupid signs are messing me up
  • I might look lost, but this is all part of the plan

Phrase: you shall not pass


  • Dude, this is my lane, stay out
  • Please read the road sign, people: street blocked
  • Stay where you are, knave, or feel my wrath
  • Used when playing Monopoly and someone gets a “go to jail” card

Phrase: I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you


  • You’re not alone
  • I’ll help you to the bitter end
  • This is what friends are for
  • When the going gets tough, always have a stouthearted hobbit nearby
  • Don’t judge the size of a person’s heart by the size of their body

Phrase: fool of a Took


  • You’ve once again proven why we can’t trust you with even the smallest task
  • Why do you suffer from chronic stupidity?
  • Can’t you ever listen to advice?
  • This is the worst thing I can call you because we’re in a PG situation right now
  • The amount of foolishness you possess is alarming

Phrase: fly you fools


  • Wizardly way of saying “RUN!”
  • Get out of here if you don’t want to die
  • Fools, line up on a cliff, jump off, and fly

Princess Bride

Phrase: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.


  • I’m dangerous because I know how to hold a grudge
  • Be careful who you kill, because I will find you
  • This is my fancy, roundabout way of challenging you to a duel
  • Um, pal, hate to break it to you…but you’re gonna die
  • I’ve searched a long time and had many failures, so I’m persistent if not crazed

Phrase: he’s not dead-dead, he’s only mostly dead


  • Nothing a little coffee can’t fix
  • Don’t always believe your eyes
  • Settle down, he’s not a zombie
  • There’s always hope, even if circumstances might suggest otherwise
  • It might not seem like it, but there’s a huge difference between dead and mostly dead

Phrase: mawidge is what bwings us togeveh today


  • Believe it or not, this is the way I talk
  • We’re here for a lovely ceremony…but mostly to laugh at the way you talk
  • I’m trying really hard to be serious, but my talents keep getting in the way
  • We came for the marriage, we stayed for the lisp

Phrase: wuv…twu wuv


  • *sigh* Once again…yes, this is actually the way I talk
  • “True love” is so much better if spoken about with a lisp
  • We don’t care about the words, only the way you’re saying them
  • I’m going to say this just to make you laugh

There you have it—an easy guide to speak geek. Now you can tread the dangerous land of Geekville armed and prepared, or if you’re already a resident, you have more ammo for your conversations.

Which is your favorite? I would love to hear your thoughts.


How to Speak Geek — Fantasy Version — 9 Comments

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    • Thanks, Adam. Glad you enjoyed it.

      That theory though. WOW! Talk about wild, and you’re right, now I’ll never be able to think of it the same way again. Thanks for sharing.

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