You know what I hate about villains? They lack imagination.
Think about it for a minute. I’m sure you can come up with an ample list of truly nasty folk who want to or have ruled their world. Names like Sauron, President Snow, and Thanos spring to mind—vile as memories of getting a whiff of those beans in the fridge that should have seen the trash can three weeks ago.
Villains seem driven by the same corrupted goals: greed, power, revenge. Ask them to describe their perfect world, one where they hold supreme control, and it goes something like this:
“In my world, everyone follows my orders and obeys without question. Scores of loyal troops patrol my territory, able to deal swift blows to any who stand up to me. Brutality is the way to keep people in line. Everything must be terrible—a land where hope and freedom have been eradicated or are held before the people as phantom lights without substance.”
Yada yada yada. You get the idea.
Where’s the fun in that? Villains are always bent on hurting people, on ruining lives and squashing people beneath their iron boots like insignificant bugs.
Villains are supposed to be twisted creatures with little to no morality left in their bones, let alone their hearts. But must they always fit the mold so perfectly? Imagine a world ruled by a villain who took a different route. What would that look like?
Buckle your seatbelt, folks, because the TARDIS is about to fly off to a wildly imaginative place—some might accuse it of being unrealistic.
Where is this magical place? Not T.A.H.I.T.I. (Pat yourself on the back if you got that reference.) I’m talking about my mind. Terrifying, huh?
Read on and judge for yourself.
I can’t in good conscience complain about the lack of diversity in the goals, agendas, and pursuits villains have without offering an alternative. Here then, are thirty things I would do if I ruled the world.
- I would force everyone to watch Doctor Who.
- I would make Hobbit Day the only national holiday and incarcerate anyone who failed to celebrate.
- I would ban all kitty posts on Facebook and replace them with posts about dragons.
- I would mandate that every child attend Hogwarts.
- Theaters would only show science fiction and fantasy movies.
- I would make the last Saturday of every month Marvel Day and require mandatory watching of at least one Marvel movie—preferably three.
- I would order the disposal of any boring, poorly written, overly-clichéd or otherwise bothersome book.
- I would ban the use of all smoking products except Old Toby.
- I would demand (politely, of course) that everyone read my books.
- I would pass a law exempting writers, artists, musicians, and filmmakers from taxation.
- I would fire all politicians and replace them with nine qualified individuals who would form a group known as The Council of Elrond.
- I would commission artists to redraw every image of Santa’s elves to make them tall and regal, with pointy ears, flowing hair, and a condescending look.
- I would get rid of food production and require all citizens to eat lembas as their sole form of sustenance.
- I would command all memes to relate to science fiction or fantasy in some way.
- I would put Merry and Pippin in charge of Twitter.
- I would remove all references in books and television to sparkly vampires.
- The four national languages would be Common Tongue, Elvish, Dwarvish, and Gallifreyan.
- I would change the appearance of every porta-potty to be a replica TARDIS.
- I would ensure every house was outfitted with at least one magical wardrobe.
- I would force scientists to discover a feasible method of time-travel.
- I would replace the handshake as the official greeting with the Vulcan “live long and prosper” sign.
- I would require every city to host a comic con at least once a year.
- My entire military would consist of remote-controlled Iron Man suits.
- I would institute the creation of a fleet of starships.
- I would appoint a division of dwarves to handle all building, architecture, and construction projects.
- I would pass laws protecting New York City from ever again suffering broken glass or a car crash due to the exploits of superheroes.
- I order Hollywood to make movies based on all the books I enjoy.
- I would build an art gallery to display the variety of fantasy weapons in their deserved glory.
- I would authorize the Avengers to travel worldwide giving conferences in every major city, and make the tickets affordable so everyone could attend.
- I would make this the national flag.
Which of these are your favorites? What would you do if you ruled the world? I would love to hear your thoughts.