I was back in the Archive last week, and given the time of year, I thought it would be fun to explore the Holiday section and see what it had to offer.
I came across several interesting artifacts and parchments, but one in particular caught my attention. A letter, neatly folded, edges yellowed with age. Lo and behold, it hailed from Middle-earth. And better yet—given the time of year—dealt with a Christmas crisis.
From: the neglected yet esteemed Blue Wizards, Alatar and Pallando, Stewards of Disregarded Yet Important Affairs
To: Santamanican the Red
It has come to our attention through various means that you, the self-styled Santamanican the Red, have taken it upon yourself to trouble the fair land of Middle-earth. As the overseers of all things invisible and trifling, we took it upon ourselves to look into the matter and, if we could, bring an end to this nonsense.
In that regard, we strongly admonish you to heed our warnings and forsake the despicable charade in which you currently involve yourself. It is a well known fact that only five wizards were appointed to deal with matters in Middle-earth, and a lunatic wearing a red costume was decidedly not one of them.
Reports have reached us of several grievances committed in your willful display of Christmas mischief.
Let us begin with the matter of the eagles. We care not of tradition or expediency. The plain fact remains: harnessing eagles to pull a supposedly magical sleigh while gallivanting across the face of the world is a gross disregard for that noble species.
It grieved us when Gwaihir the Windlord brought us this news, and we admonish you to leave off this practice immediately. It is in your best interest, dear sir. Eagles are not docile creatures to be toyed with at one’s convenience. Attempting to make them your steeds of the sky begs for trouble.
It matters not that you had need of quick airborne travel (the truth of which we find doubtful given your cavalier nature). So we repeat again: leave the eagles alone!
Magic, you red fool, belongs to the realm of wizards, not mortal individuals who seek to use it for their own purposes. This business of dressing in colorful robes and riding around bestowing presents does not mean you have the ability, capability, or authority to practice magic.
We find it disturbing that you would endeavor to perpetuate yourself in such a blatant lie. Wizardry is an art, an art that you have, by your insolent acts, tarnished. Leave off this insanity at once, especially the bit about delivering presents across the entire world in a single night.
Speaking of presents, troubling rumors have reached our ears. Of an imposter wizard upsetting the gentle folk of the Shire.
Fireworks they appreciate and understand, as one of our company can attest. However, it’s rather less appropriate to fill their chimneys with mounds of coal. Some (naming no individuals) doubtless deserve the rude gift, but many do not.
Picture it, Santamanican. Hundreds upon hundreds of sweet, innocent hobbit children, waking to find a gift of hard coal in their houses. Their wails of sorrow, their tears of regret. The disappointment in their young hearts.
What sort of rogue would willingly inflict such pain as you have? We care not what your precious list says. (Yes, Gwaihir informed us of the list. Another despicable attempt at delving into magics too potent for you to handle.)
If you do not mend your ways and remove the unseemly gifts, beware the consequences.
Another concern is that of the Ents. Tradition of Christmas decorations be hanged! You cannot chop Ents down as Christmas trees. It is a horror, an outrage, a scandal. They are living creatures of Iluvatar, you senile Santamanican. Not vegetation decorations.
We are most upset at this. Taking a decent evergreen from another forest is what any normal mortal would do. But no. You had to stir up the hornet’s nest. Insolent scoundrel. We expect a written apology to every Ent you have offended, or it will be our utmost delight to leave you to their judgment.
Trust us—that is something you would not enjoy.
Lastly, and perhaps most painful, is the situation regarding the Elves.
We ask you, Santamanican…are you a barbarian? What childhood books did your mother read to you in bed? What innocent tales did she tell, that you would consider Elves nothing more than willing slaves to be locked away in the icy north?
They are a majestic race, not a pack of pointy-eared manufacturing laborers.
Then too, some pictures have come to our attention. Hideous depictions they are, full of red and green garments and tights (tights, of all things!), sparkling cheeks, and peculiar hats topped with cotton balls. Such frippery dishonors the dignity of the Elves and points again to your willful impudence.
For this, and the other wrongs you have committed, we demand your presence here, in the place whose name and location we can never remember, to answer for your deeds.
Santamanican the Red, we are putting an end to your reign of impostor terror, dressed in the guise of Christmas endeavors. This is your final notice.
The “Other” Wizards
(Huge thanks to a friend of mine who helped me come up with this topic.) 🙂
What did you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts.