If the Primary Candidates Were in the Hunger Games

Super Tuesday took place yesterday, so I thought it fitting to write a post about politics.

Having the weird, geeky mind that I do, I naturally wondered what would happen if the main group of politicians who have participated in the primaries were suddenly forced to take part in the Hunger Games.

I mean, why not?

danger signThe political arena, especially surrounding the bid for presidency, is a brutal battle for supremacy. The arena of the Hunger Games presents a similarly brutal battle, but with much higher stakes and a completely different setting than town halls, debate stages, and news interviews.

How would the Games pan out, and who would emerge the victor?

The Politician Hunger Games

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2016 installment of the annual Hunger Games.

Announcing the contestants: Hillary Clinton, Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Bernie Sanders, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, and Carly Fiorina.

Let the Games commence.

Christie, knowing he’s at a disadvantage for the race to the weapons, immediately heads toward the forest when the gun goes off. Despite his best intentions, he doesn’t make it far before he’s shot in the back by Trump, making him the first casualty of the Games.

Sanders avoids the others contestants for a time, wandering around a field without any weapons because he was too slow in the initial rush. No one else pays any attention to him, since he doesn’t present any real threat. Sure enough, when a fire sweeps through the field, he races into a lake and drowns.

Fiorina attempts to forge an alliance with Clinton, the only other woman. Clinton agrees that they should stick together, but that night while Fiorina is sleeping, Clinton adds the juice from poisonous berries to Fiorina’s water. In the morning, Fiorina takes a drink and dies.

Bush suspects everyone will come after him. He’s particularly alert to any appearance by Trump. He spends hours constructing an elaborate booby trap for Trump, then tries to draw Trump in. However, his plan backfires. Trump attacks viciously, sending Bush running into his own trap and detonating the awaiting grenades.

Santorum and Huckabee form an alliance at the start. They keep to themselves and avoid the more dangerous contestants, which allows them to survive for several days. Trump approaches them with an offer to join him for protection. Realizing he’ll eliminate them if they decline, Santorum and Huckabee accept. They mysteriously vanish during the night and are never seen again.

Paul makes impassioned speeches to the viewers in an attempt to garner support. He needs people to send packages so he can carry out his elaborate plan to destroy Trump. However, he doesn’t gain enough traction with the public, and with insufficient equipment, he falls from a tree while trying to rig a trap for Trump.

Carson detests the Games and speaks out against them, but no one takes him seriously because he seems to be half asleep the entire time. He’s approached by Clinton, who sees the value in allying with a surgeon. Carson declines, and Clinton leaves in disgust. A freak storm breaks that night, and Carson isn’t quick enough to outrun the flash flood.

With the field narrowing down, Rubio and Cruz, who have been forming plans but avoiding the more heated confrontations, agree to join in an effort to take down Trump. They target Trump’s seemingly impenetrable stronghold at the base of the mountains, which he’s been fortifying since the Games began.

After a few failed attacks, during which Trump launches insults and projectiles with equal skill, Cruz and Rubio go in search of Clinton, who has disappeared. Unfortunately, they find her when she pops out of a cave and shoots Rubio.

Cruz manages to convince Clinton to help him smoke out Trump, because alone neither of them stand a chance. They’ve hardly begun making plans when Trump shows up, guns blazing. Cruz and Clinton race for safety, but Cruz catches a bullet in a back and goes down.

Clinton, thinking to outwit Trump, doubles back and comes at him from behind. Trump sees her coming from his perch atop a rock outcropping, and hurls taunts in order to draw her in. Falling for the bait, Clinton trips over a string Trump had tied earlier, which sets off a string of explosions.

The Games end and Trump stands arrogant and victorious.


How do you think the Politician Hunger Games would have turned out? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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