Everyone needs a résumé, right? Even a villain. After all, how else will he prove his worth as a dastardly doer of misdeeds, an interrupter of routine life, a spark that ignites everything around him in chaos and conflict?
What necessary items would any self-respecting villain include in a résumé? Read on to find out.
A Villain’s Résumé
First off, I want you to know heroes are overrated. They garner all the attention, all the glory, all the accolades. It’s disgusting. When will people remember who lifted them up on the pedestal of greatness?
Thank me and my corrupt comrades for that. No world in which a hero rises is complete without someone to oppose him. To present a different view of the world. To challenge his narrow-minded thinking and porous beliefs.
I have the tools necessary to accomplish this, as I will prove momentarily. But before I present my flawless features, let me say this to all those who turn their noses up at us or wish for us to go down in flames and smoke: OPEN YOUR EYES. It’s not easy what we do. Appreciate us.
Education (very well-rounded, as you can see)
- Studied four years at the Academy of Misdeeds
- Graduated summa cum laude with a Masters in villainy from the University of Vice and Corruption
- Read the complete works of Damion Do-Bad
- Memorized the Making Malicious Memorable Manifesto
- Studied Guns, Bombs, and Missiles: A Guide to Modern Weaponry
- Studied Swords, Spears, and Daggers: A Guide to Ancient Weaponry
Skills and Abilities
- Knowing how, when, and where to swear effectively
- Ignoring kittens, puppies, and all other “cute” baby animals
- Choosing inept henchmen to aid me in my goals
- Possessing a charming, suave personality
- Crafting elaborate plans
- Blowing things up
- Shooting things
- Mocking the hero with glee and conviction
- Having a desire to rule the world
- Building an impenetrable fortress high in the gloomy mountains
- Sending hordes of minions out to die
- Corrupting those who considered themselves “good”
- Revealing my master plan while the hero is trapped in my clutches
- Commanding attention through my riveting personality
- Wearing black
- Sweeping into a room with style to create the billowing-cape effect
- Destroying relationships
- Capturing the love of the hero’s life
- Lying, cheating, stealing, etc.
- Yelling at my underlings
- Pausing to conveniently hold a conversation with the hero instead of striking the deathblow
- Picking on my sister when I was a child
- Developing myself into the meanest bully at my local schools
- Building my first bomb in high school and blowing up the school fountain
- Sister and parents
- Bullying victims at school
If you were applying for the position villain, what would you put on your résumé? I’d love to hear your thoughts.