But lest you think I’m the cause of such sneakiness, toss that thought into the TARDIS and send it on its way.
I speak, of course, of my guest. The one who lurks in shadows, who speaks in riddles. The one who sneaks and skulks.
The master of mischief and fishy fiend, Gollum.
Pop Culture Q&A with Gollum
Me: Hello Gollum. Or should I call you Smeagol?
Gollum: Smeagol, precious. Call us Smeagol.
Me: All right then, Smeagol. Welcome to the interview. *glances at forested surroundings* I, uh, would have picked a more refined establishment, but I thought it best to meet out here.
Smeagol: Are there streamses?
Me: I guess so?
Smeagol: With fishes?
Me: Actually, I anticipated this would come up. And I came prepared. *hands Smeagol a can of sardines*
Smeagol: What’s it like, precious? Can we eats it?
Me: I wouldn’t touch it myself, but you certainly can. As long as it doesn’t interfere with the interview.
Gollum (hissing): Who gave permission for interview? Stupid Smeagol. Stupid, stupid.
Me: Calm down, Gol—er, Smeagol. It will be fun. Trust me.
Gollum: Does it have fat hobbitses?
Gollum: Good. We’re ready, aren’t we, precious? Yes, very ready.
Me: Perfect. I’ll ease into it. What’s your favorite creature in fantasy?
Gollum: We hate orcses, nasty filth. And we hate dragonses and their nassty fire. It burns us. We like…fishes! Magical fishes.
Me: Hmm, not sure that counts. Can you think of anything else? Preferably something not edible?
Gollum: How ‘bout…mouses?
Me: Talking mice, maybe? Like Reepicheep?
Gollum: Yes, yes, precious. Of course. *cocking head* What’s a Reepicheep?
Me: Valiant, intrepid warrior of Narnia, who—you know what? It’ll take too long to explain. We’ll go with that as your answer. And since we’re in Narnia, who’s your favorite character?
Gollum: Eustace Clarence Scrubbses. What a silly name, precious.
Me: I rather agree, but he’s a cool character. I love his story line. Which brings me to best villainous character. Um, quick question. Am I talking to Gollum or Smeagol right now?
Smeagol: Smeagol, of course.
Me: Right. Smeagol, favorite villain?
Smeagol: Too many, precious. We can’t choose. Too many. Malfoy and Loki and sneaky Silences who makes us forget things. And Green Goblin. Too many.
Me: Wow, that’s quite the list. I have to admit, Loki’s one of my favorite villains. Changing it up a bit, which movie would you want to star in?
Smeagol: Finding Nemo. All the fishes, precious! *gurgling noises*
Me: Whoa, that went morbid fast. Let’s try something else. This may sound strange, but if you could have dinner with one famous person from Hollywood, who would you choose and why?
Smeagol: Who would we choose? Who would we choose? Maybe…Will Smith? No, no. Stupid answer, precious. We’d choose John Waynses because we wants his hat.
Me: Okay, did not see that coming. I’m honestly not sure it makes sense, but if that’s your answer.
Smeagol (with a hint of a snarl): Yes, it is, precious.
Me: Yep, okay. Moving along, would you rather live in the Marvel Universe or the DC Universe?
Smeagol: DC. They have nassty people, but the Riddler lives there. We could play a game with him and win. And—
Me: Okaaaay, blocking off that trail of thought before we goes back to morbid land. Let’s try to keep this PG, Smeagol?
Smeagol: What’s PG?
Me (sighing): Never mind. You’ll find out someday, I’m sure. Anyway, back to the questions. Name a favorite band.
Smeagol: Hootie and the Blowfish.
Me: You would come up with that. How about a favorite song? That doesn’t have anything to do with fish. Can you do that?
Smeagol: We can try, precious. We’ll say…I Hate U I Love U.
Me: Any reason? Actually, no, don’t answer that. We’re on a favorite roll, so let’s keep going with favorite actor or actress.
Smeagol: Scarlett Johansson. She plays Black Widow. We likes her.
Me: Gotcha. Here’s a good one for you. Would you rather have the Doctor’s screwdriver, Thor’s hammer, or Harry’s wand?
Smeagol: We wants the hammer, so we can beat fishes in the head with it. Nassty, wriggling things.
Me (muttering): So much for PG. *louder* Do you prefer books, movies, or videogames?
Smeagol: Gameses, always gameses. We love them. Do you want to play a game of riddles?
Me: Not really. We need the wrap the interview up soon.
Gollum: We want gamses, precious! Now!
Me: Pardon, but this is my blog and this is my interview. So you have you play by my rules, and right now, those rules are that I ask questions and you answer them.
Gollum: Not fair. We don’t like this game.
Me: All right, a couple more questions, that’s all. I promise. What’s one superpower you’d like to have?
Smeagol: Swimming. No, flying. No, wait, precious. Think, think. We want to grow big and strong, like Hulkses. Nooooo, wait! We want to…disappear. Yess, preciouss.
Me: Invisibility, eh? Can’t say I’m surprised. Okay, final question: Star Trek or Star Wars?
Smeagol: Star Wars, precious. Always. We like robotses and Death Stars and Vaders.
Me: Methinks you’d fit right in. It was good to have you, Smeagol. Thanks for coming. And for behaving for the most part.
What question would you ask Gollum? I’d love to hear your thoughts here or on social media.