Flying like a jet plane. Running faster than a bullet. Seeing through walls because x-ray vision.
Superpowers are awesome, and let’s be honest, who hasn’t wanted a superpower or two at times (or maybe all the time)? They would certainly come in handy.
During my last visit to the Archive, I stumbled across, literally, a giant tube on the floor. Who leaves a tube out? *innocent, not-at-all-guilty whistle*
Furthermore, what does such a large tube contain?
Turns out, a scroll. Listing a slew of superpowers. But these weren’t your smash ‘em bash ‘em movie and comic book superpowers. These even weren’t your Mom’s superpowers (cleaning, cooking, maintain sanity, etc.).
Here, I found a list of, well…the title of the document puts it better than I ever could.
Utterly Useless, Unique, Unpredictable, and Altogether Unreliable Superpowers
Note: Names of those who volunteered the information have been deleted and replaced with subject numbers in order to protect their identity and mental stability.
Further note: These are all true accounts. Let the reader be warned.
Subject 1: Using my mind, I can unfold tissues…inside the box.
Subject 2: My power allows me to sneeze eleven times every time someone tells a joke.
Subject 3: If you pour popcorn into my hands, it will start popping.
Subject 4: Every time I walk into a room, pennies begin spinning on their edge and don’t stop for five minutes. Banks don’t like me.
Subject 5: Whenever I touch a jug of milk, the milk curdles. Which is sad becaue I love milk and somebody has to give it to me like I’m a baby or something.
Subject 6: This is a terrible power to have, but when someone tries to blow out candles on a birthday cake, I can keep the candles lit. Sometimes it’s funny to watch people blowing and blowing, but the silly candles won’t go out. Then I feel guilty and stop.
Subject 7: When I look at somebody on a poster, like an actor, I can read what was on their mind when the picture was taken.
Subject 8: I can speak cricket. Let me tell you, they’re not always happy when they’re chirping outside your door on a warm summer night.
Subject 9: Every time I hug someone, they break out with purple stripes.
Subject 10: My fingers can transform into leaves. Problem is, it happens unexpectedly. Like when I’m slicing vegetables or trying to type a message on my phone.
Subject 11: If I close my eyes, I can see the inside of any closed box. It’s total rubbish because if the box is shut, it’s always dark anyway.
Subject 12: Smelling sharpies doesn’t get me high.
Subject 13: My mere presence will melt any sheet of ice in a hockey rink, turning it into a swimming pool for polar bears and penguins.
Subject 14: I never dream, either when I’m sleeping or when I’m awake.
Subject 15: I can read and understand any mistyped word, no matter how terrible the spelling.
Subject 16: Whenever I walk past a can of pop, it erupts. I stay away from the drinks aisle at the supermarket.
Subject 17: I can’t taste anything but green food.
Subject 18: I can make it rain candy sprinkles every Saturday morning.
Subject 19: Every time I see a sentence on the Internet, I read it in Liam Neeson’s voice. The result? Every single thing sounds like a combination of Aslan and a secret agent out to get somebody’s hide.
Subject 20: I can make an entire room smell like bacon for exactly thirty seconds, but only if there’s no bacon present. I can’t control when it happens. Everyone hates me and it’s an absolute nightmare.
If you could have a such a superpower, what would it be? I’d love to hear your thoughts here or on social media.