Superpowers That Aren’t So Super

Flying like a jet plane. Running faster than a bullet. Seeing through walls because x-ray vision.

Superpowers are awesome, and let’s be honest, who hasn’t wanted a superpower or two at times (or maybe all the time)? They would certainly come in handy.

During my last visit to the Archive, I stumbled across, literally, a giant tube on the floor. Who leaves a tube out? *innocent, not-at-all-guilty whistle*

Furthermore, what does such a large tube contain?

Turns out, a scroll. Listing a slew of superpowers. But these weren’t your smash ‘em bash ‘em movie and comic book superpowers. These even weren’t your Mom’s superpowers (cleaning, cooking, maintain sanity, etc.).

Here, I found a list of, well…the title of the document puts it better than I ever could.

Utterly Useless, Unique, Unpredictable, and Altogether Unreliable Superpowers

Note: Names of those who volunteered the information have been deleted and replaced with subject numbers in order to protect their identity and mental stability.

Further note: These are all true accounts. Let the reader be warned.

Subject 1: Using my mind, I can unfold tissues…inside the box.

Subject 2: My power allows me to sneeze eleven times every time someone tells a joke.

Subject 3: If you pour popcorn into my hands, it will start popping.


Subject 4: Every time I walk into a room, pennies begin spinning on their edge and don’t stop for five minutes. Banks don’t like me.

Subject 5: Whenever I touch a jug of milk, the milk curdles. Which is sad becaue I love milk and somebody has to give it to me like I’m a baby or something.

Subject 6: This is a terrible power to have, but when someone tries to blow out candles on a birthday cake, I can keep the candles lit. Sometimes it’s funny to watch people blowing and blowing, but the silly candles won’t go out. Then I feel guilty and stop.

Subject 7: When I look at somebody on a poster, like an actor, I can read what was on their mind when the picture was taken.

Subject 8: I can speak cricket. Let me tell you, they’re not always happy when they’re chirping outside your door on a warm summer night.

Subject 9: Every time I hug someone, they break out with purple stripes.


Subject 10: My fingers can transform into leaves. Problem is, it happens unexpectedly. Like when I’m slicing vegetables or trying to type a message on my phone.

Subject 11: If I close my eyes, I can see the inside of any closed box. It’s total rubbish because if the box is shut, it’s always dark anyway.

Subject 12: Smelling sharpies doesn’t get me high.

Subject 13: My mere presence will melt any sheet of ice in a hockey rink, turning it into a swimming pool for polar bears and penguins.

Subject 14: I never dream, either when I’m sleeping or when I’m awake.

Subject 15: I can read and understand any mistyped word, no matter how terrible the spelling.

Subject 16: Whenever I walk past a can of pop, it erupts. I stay away from the drinks aisle at the supermarket.

Subject 17: I can’t taste anything but green food.

Subject 18: I can make it rain candy sprinkles every Saturday morning.

Subject 19: Every time I see a sentence on the Internet, I read it in Liam Neeson’s voice. The result? Every single thing sounds like a combination of Aslan and a secret agent out to get somebody’s hide.

Subject 20: I can make an entire room smell like bacon for exactly thirty seconds, but only if there’s no bacon present. I can’t control when it happens. Everyone hates me and it’s an absolute nightmare.


If you could have a such a superpower, what would it be? I’d love to hear your thoughts here or on social media.


Superpowers That Aren’t So Super — 16 Comments

  1. Haha – I have a solution for Subject 20. He should always carry bacon around with him! (And I might have the same superpower as #11. Shhh.)

    • “Sir, why do you always have bacon with you?”

      “Well, actually…it’s a loooong story.”

      I won’t tell anyone. But reports suggest you may not be alone. 😉

  2. I’d hate to be Person #5. I can’t imagine it, never being able to make myself a creamy cup of tea/coffee. *shudder*
    Gasp! I’d never be able to make pancakes, scrambled eggs, or muffins!
    Breakfasts would stink.

  3. When I walk into a room, the lights start to blink my thoughts in morse code. It happens unexpectedly and at the WORST possible times.

  4. I loved your descriptions, and the GIFs were amazing.

    I can see #7 as totally being useful though, especially as part of a missing persons/ransom response unit.

    #14 is the most useless, and is frankly just sad.

    For purely selfish reasons, I want #3. I love popcorn. I would probably get banned from movie theaters though.

    • Thanks, Cathrine. Glad you enjoyed it.

      Ohhhh, you’re right. I didn’t even think of that, but it could definitely be useful.

      Yep, 14 is, well…nothing to phone home about, that’s for sure. LOL

      Yeah, pretty sure movie theaters would resent you stealing all their popcorn revenue.

  5. Oh dear, those are pretty useless. I can’t think of any to add, but I definitely wouldn’t want any of them. Except maybe the closing your eyes and seeing inside shut and locked boxes one, I think everyone can do that 😉

  6. These are all pretty useless… XD

    If I had to pick one though, I think I would choose Subject 7’s entry…It could definitely be interesting…

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