We’re all familiar with spam, and we all handle it differently.

Suppose email was a thing in Middle-earth (there’s no scientific evidence to debunk that claim…or maybe they used supersonic carrier pigeons). Either way, Gandalf had plenty of undocumented time all those years before Frodo’s quest.

And like the celebrity he is, he probably had some serious first-world problems. Particularly in the form of spam.

How might he handle that?

I’m glad you asked…

SPAMMER 1

Wizard of Grey,

You know not who I am, but I hail from beyond the lands of Rhȗn. Lorring Oakfoot is my name, and I am your great uncle. If you would be so kind, I have a request.

Illness has come swift upon me, and I fear death lurks at my door. I have amassed, by my skill and wit, a great fortune. Unmarried and childless, I have naught to name as heir. If you would come to at your soonest convenience to Small-Town-East-of-Rhȗn, I will happily bequeath this fortune upon you.

I bid you hurry, or death may arrive ere you do.

Your Friend,

Oakfoot

GANDALF

Do you take me for a fool!? I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. None can claim association with me in such ridiculous fashion as you have, bumbling oaf.

You do not even know my name. If you have any wealth (which I sincerely doubt), I suspect it’s as small and useless as your mind. Keep your outrageous promises to yourself, sir.

Good day!

Sincerely,

G-Squared

SPAMMER 2

Good day we have excellent offer for you. Need eased pain in feet from walking mile upon miles? Try Moss soft pad. Never again suffer from blisters.

Reply to massage for a complamentary moss.

GANDALF

via GIPHY

Idiocy. Sheer idiocy. Do the world a favor and stuff your moss into your mouth.

Also, *message and *complimentary.

Sincerely,

G-Squared

SPAMMER 3

Dear Sir,

I have taken it upon myself to craft the greatest instrument of this age. A tool of warfare unlike any the races of Middle-earth have seen. And to you, dear sir, I grant the privilege of first seeing and testing this weapon.

With it you can smite a thousand enemies in a blow, raze a city in hours, cause the mountains to quake and the hearts of men to still in terror.

This power, dear sir, is yours, if you wish it. All you must do is come meet me upon the southern slopes of the Iron Hills at dusk.

I will be waiting.

GANDALF

A weapon, you say? If I can use it to bash stupidity into submission and if the weapon in question is your skull, I gladly accept.

Sincerely,

G-Squared

SPAMMER 4

Greetings, renowned traveler. We exalt your reputation this fine day. None compare to you, and as such, we wish to honor your highly esteemed position among the peoples of Middle-earth.

For that purpose, a fireworks display has been arranged in your honor and for your benefit. Join us in the White City for this fine celebration, of which you will be the chief legend.

We have spread the word. People from across Gondor eagerly await your appearance.

With respect,

The Grey Brotherhood Clan of MIT (MInas Tirith)

GANDALF

Time flows ceaselessly past, and many duties demand my attention. What gain would I have?

Sincerely,

G-Squared

MIT CLAN

Sir! We thank you for seeking an opportunity with us. We can promise you the following:

• A life-sized sculpture in your likeness, to either be kept by yourself or auctioned to the highest bidder.
• Payment to be agreed upon at the completion of the celebration.
• The sight of adoring fans.

We hope this pleases your most excellent taste.

With respect,

The Grey Brotherhood Clan of MIT (MInas Tirith)

GANDALF

via GIPHY

So you say. Yet how have I assurance you will keep your word? I have dealt with many types of men, elves, and dwarves in my time (wizards, too). No race escapes the bane of slippery minds seeking ill-gotten gain.

I smell something amiss.

G-Squared

MIT CLAN

If it pleases you, O Wise One, we may consider your suggestions. Such is the zeal of our clan and the members depending upon promise of seeing your noble visage.

With respect,

The Grey Brotherhood Clan of MIT (MInas Tirith)

GANDALF

I will forego the aforementioned offerings in favor of two things: a year’s supply of Old Toby, shipped directly from the Shire, and the respect of respectable men.

Sincerely,

G-Squared

MIT CLAN

Alas. Shire shipping we cannot afford. Perhaps we can negotiate an offer agreeable to all?

As to the other, we hope you did not intend insult.

Dubiously,

The Grey Brotherhood Clan of MIT (MInas Tirith)

GANDALF

You begin to try my temper, and that is no trifling matter. You feign honor, yet you hide behind bloated praises and idle words. I will come, and I will teach you rogues a lesson you’ll not soon forget, for bothering an old man busy with important affairs of the world.

Sincerely,

G-Squared

MIT CLAN

No. We have reached the conclusion we have no need of your services.

Disdainfully,

The Grey Brotherhood Clan of MIT (MInas Tirith)

What sort of spam do you think Gandalf would get? I’d love to hear your thoughts here or on social media.