What does it take to become a superhero?
The answer may surprise you, and it may be simpler than you assume.
You might be thinking, “Make sure this fellow gets a place at the Funny Farm because seriously dude HAVE YOU SEEN superheroes?”
After all, aren’t superheroes basically diamond fragments from the soil of Saturn’s moons that have been crystallized into human form and endowed with powers and riches and muscles and beautiful hair mere mortals can only dream of?
Alternately, maybe they’re the byproduct of seeds of awesomeness planted in their veins that slowly grew and morphed them over time.
A document I dug up in the Archive suggests an easier explanation.
Steps for Becoming a Superhero
Step 1: If a male superhero, get very very very buff and handsome. (Note: practice posing without shirt on to reveal your sculpted physique.)
Step 2: If a female superhero, cultivate luxurious hair (length is irrelevant though longer locks are preferred) and an immaculate complexion.
Step 3: Develop a suit designed to match your unparalleled personality.
Step 5: Learn how to save the world.
Step 6: Engage in secretive activities and learn how to keep your loved ones from knowing what you do. For their own good and protection, of course.
Step 7: Become an expert in not dying.
Step 8: Generate an über fancy superhero name, preferably by combining “man” with the name of some mammal or insect or reptile.
Step 9: Make sure your picture will accommodate any meme.
Step 11: If a male, acquire the knack for falling in love with gorgeous but oftentimes scheming women.
Step 12: If a female, acquire the knack for attracting stunningly handsome and mostly honorable men.
Step 13: Learn how to fight multiple baddies at once while sipping a latte and developing a flawless tan.
Step 14: Perfect the superhero snarl, which is mostly just you’re I’m-gonna-make-you-pay-O-villain face.
Step 15: Become comfortable doing interviews and traveling to New York City.
Step 16: Obtain an ability to exude confidence no matter the situation.
Step 17: Make sure you have at least a partially tragic backstory that will be redeemed by the fact that you are destined for greatness.
Step 18 (optional): THE CAPE OF JUSTICE AND MAGNANIMITY AND FLOWING GRANDUER!
When you look at it that way, it doesn’t sound quite so much like trying to scale a glacier wall using nothing but toothpicks.
Maybe this superhero gig would work out after all.
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE CHOCOLATE DELECTABLES?
Ahem. Given the prestigious nature of the superhero persona, that list provides hope for all the common folk.
There you have it. The superhero’s essentials list.
Kinda like the grocery list, but waaaaaay more epic. 😉
~~~ LET’S TALK ~~~
⇒What other steps would you include?
I’d love to hear your thoughts here or on social media.