The User’s Guide for Your New Model B Bookworm


Your purchase of a Model B Bookworm is an investment you’ll thank yourself for in the coming years. And with our quality assurance guarantee, you can rest easy at night, knowing you made a wise choice.

You’ve also separated yourself from 99.626% of the population. After all, most people don’t have the good fortune of owning a Model B Bookworm.

If you’ve received your Model B Bookworm, you’re probably wondering what the next step is. We’ve written up a user’s guide to help you navigate this new, exciting time in your life.

Welcome to life with a Model B Bookworm

Look, bookworms!

Model B Bookworm User’s Guide

To get the most out of your Model B Bookworm, you need to turn it on. (As you’ve learned, they don’t jump to life on their own.) This model works best with caffeine. Simply brew a pot of tea or coffee, insert a funnel into the mouth, and pour.

Results will vary depending on the amount of caffeine.

Care and Maintenance

Once your Bookworm has been started, it’s important to keep it happy.

Fortunately, this is an easy process. Find a bookstore and take your Bookworm to it. Depending on the temperament of your exact Bookworm, the type of bookstore is extremely important. Most will prefer local stores that are small and cozy.

Once there, you’re free to leave your Bookworm for hours. They’ll easily occupy themselves with no need for supervision.

That is, if you don’t want to find a black hole in your bank account when you return. Otherwise, placing restrictions on their buying habits is wise.

Keep in mind that Bookworms thrive on reading. It’s practically their life’s purpose. Unless you want to experience the volatile setting each Bookworm comes equipped with, keep it constantly busy with new books to devour.

Your Bookworm will prefer to read alone. A snug corner, comfy couch, or huge plush chair is optimal. On rainy days, including a fire and mug of hot chocolate will make your Bookworm love you forever.


Bookworm Benefits

In return for being cared for properly, your Bookworm will bring you endless benefit and enjoyment. Including…

Keeping you up-to-date on the latest and greatest novels.

Passing the boring hours of road tripping with countless quotes.

Helping you maintain your own collection of beautiful books.

Building bookshelves.

Buying you gift cards to your favorite bookstore.

Recommending books based on genre, theme, character archetype, or pretty much any other criteria you have.

Acting as a tour guide through any bookstore you visit.

Providing a fount of knowledge when it comes to the hidden mysteries and meanings in books.

Ensuring every experience you have with books is the best it can possibly be.

Answering any question you have about a certain character.

Developing entertaining (sometimes compelling) fan theories.

Setting up your Goodreads account.

Arranging your bookshelves according to whatever pattern you desire:

  • Book title
  • Author first name
  • Author last name
  • Type of main character
  • Cover color
  • Height
  • Genre
  • Random
The skill of a Model B Bookworm


These are but a few of the many wonderful benefits given by your Bookworm. Please note: your Bookworm may also attempt to get you addicted to the smell of a new book. Resist at all costs.

Bookworm Tendencies

Though energetic when the subject of books arises, your Bookworm’s natural state is quieter and more reserved. Stimulating conversation is difficult when you wish to discuss something other than books.

However, this natural introversion means your Bookworm won’t bring chaotic energy and a whirlwind of busyness to your life.

Also beware of moodiness. While rarer, this affliction does manifest on occasion, often resulting in tantrums where the Bookworm may lock itself away for hours on end to drown itself in fiction.

One small bug in the Bookworm’s programming is a tendency to read for long periods of time. During daylight hours, this doesn’t present a problem, but such habits may well interfere with your sleep. You have been warned.


You’ll find that if you treat your Bookworm well, giving it proper attention and maintaining its vital circuits, it will prove its worth for years.

One final direction. Your Bookworm is programmed to appreciate and accept hugs. But…only once every fourth day.

You are now well-equipped to care for your Model B Bookworm.

~~~ LET’S TALK ~~~

⇒ What other “features” have you noticed in Bookworms?


The User’s Guide for Your New Model B Bookworm — 8 Comments

  1. This was so helpful – thanks for the comprehensive overview. My Bookworm’s programming bug definitely acts up late at night; however, I’ve found that replacing its fictional material with non-fiction and academic textbooks during that timeframe has largely alleviated the issue. Books may need to be locked away but can be returned during normal business hours.

    • Sure thing, Victoria! I figured there are so many Bookworms in the world, it could provide a valuable service. 😛

      Glad to hear you’ve found creative (or not, because non-fiction and textbooks? 😮 ) way to handle the issues you’ve found. Locking up books is a good solution–as long as the Bookworm is given access again at some point. Otherwise, rebellion might occur. 😉

  2. “This model works best with caffeine. Simply brew a pot of tea or coffee, insert a funnel into the mouth, and pour.” I prefer to receive my caffeine in a fine china teacup, or tasteful mug, actually. Aside from that, everything else here is perfect!

    • Hehehe, glad you enjoyed it! And yes, that makes sense. The reason I went with a funnel was to minimize spillage. Since the Bookworm hasn’t been activated, it can’t do the pouring itself.

  3. This is absolutely spot on!! 😀 “Arranging your bookshelves according to whatever pattern you desire” <~ YES. I will organize any book shelf, free of charge. Just tell me how you want it done and LET ME TOUCH ALL THE BOOKS. XD

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