Have you ever wanted to eat like a Hobbit? Elevenses, second breakfast, teatime, and all that?

Then you’re in luck. It so happens that due to an unexpected circumstance, I had the privilege of an old and rare book coming into my possession. It is, in fact, a primary source of hobbit eating habits from the Shire.

In today’s world of diets and weight loss programs, I thought this would be a welcome alternative to balance the scales and provide a different approach. Not everyone wants to waste away eating miniscule amounts of food every day.

With that in mind, here’s an anti-diet program, brought to you by the faithful—and rotund—citizens of the Shire.

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Hobbit Eating Program

A daily guide for hobbits everywhere, proven to maintain a pleasing, well-rounded appearance like that of Fatty Bolger and satisfy even the most demanding appetites. (This program is also useful for Big People who wish to indulge in the proper and suitable pastime of extended food consumption.)

A first word: This daily schedule had been made possible by the Ban Hungry Hobbits Initiative and the Proper Mealtimes in the Shire Organization. Thank you and thank you.

Attention, hobbits and all other decent folk who wish to participate. What follows is the most reliable eating program found anywhere from the Shire to Bree, guaranteed to bring about the desired results.

Morning

Breakfast: Large portions are encouraged as they will fill up the holes that have accumulated while you slept and provide a boost of energy to start the day.

Second Breakfast: This falls roughly in the mid-morning, placed strategically at the time when breakfast satisfaction has begun to give way to hunger pains. Though lighter than breakfast, it’s still an integral part of a healthy hobbit diet.

Elevenses: More of a brunch than anything, Elevenses is the perfect bridge between Second Breakfast and Luncheon, and a delightful way to round up the morning hours.

Afternoon

Luncheon: Meant to be smaller in portion size than Breakfast or Dinner, Luncheon is still a robust meal that shores up declining energy gives you the means to face the afternoon with gusto. If possible, Luncheon is best enjoyed outdoors.

Afternoon Tea: A light affair, this addition to the schedule is necessary for maintaining strength through the last hours of the workday.

Evening

Dinner: To round off the day, treat yourself to a generous dinner, whether with guests or alone. Remember that this meal must last until breakfast the following morning, so do yourself—and your stomach—a favor and eat at least three generous helpings (more if there are mushrooms).

As always, these regularly scheduled eating times can be supplemented with snacks on an as-needed basis.

A last word: It’s our sincere hope that this guide will be of use to you every day as you partake in the joyous activity of eating.

Thank you for reading, and don’t forget—a full stomach makes for a happy hobbit.

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Do you think it would be fun to try this sometime? I would love to hear your thoughts.