You know you’re a devoted fantasy lover when you love all the things and hate all the clichés.

Granted, perhaps our biological makeup is more fragile than that of a daisy, but still. WE HAVE DRAGONS. That makes us fierce and bold and also very prone to emotional turmoil. Probably inherited that from our YA dystopian gene pool.

Given this chaotic history (#dragonsmuch?), the traditional fantasy lover has many exact tastes.

And requirements.

And general expectations that if not met cause them to take their replica sword to the drywall in frustration. Or suffer from a more serious condition…hives. 😮

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Secret ways to cause an outbreak of hives* on any fantasy lover

*Note: though rare, it’s not unheard of for them to come after you with the previously mentioned replica sword.

1. Mention the Chosen One.

Common responses include:

• An exasperated eye roll and heaved sigh.
• Taking a blood oath to have their pet dragon come after you.
• #emotions
• A long shudder that leaves them paralyzed for eleven hours.

2. Say you’ve never watched or read Lord of the Rings.

Are you like even human? Do you have a soul?

No?

Good, let’s fix that with an LOTR marathon followed by an in-depth book study. Discussion notes center around the identity of Tom Bombadil and the fact that Pippin is named after a falcon.

3. Make fun of Boromir memes.

Um…no. Just don’t. #rude

What do they teach them in schools these days?

4. Insist Harry Potter is only for kids.

Tell that to the 1.284 million adults that have read the series. That’s an exact number based on meticulous research conducted by a team of invisible unicorns. Because obviously what better way is there to prove something?

Besides, Harry and his friends grow up like good responsible little children. Nothing like venturing into the fringes of adulting with your favorite characters.

And there are plenty of adult characters that help build a sense of #relatable. Not to mention that every adult was once a child. Except for grouchy uncle Tony, who probably was delivered via alien spaceship and has been 49 his entire life.

5. Say the only good story is a quest story.

Such a suggestion will bring an onslaught of accusations about clichés and stereotypes and boring stories. Quests are grand but not when everyone does them.

Just like ice cream is grand but not when everyone eats it.

The logic of this is, to the fantasy lover, undeniable. Even if they don’t like ice cream, in which case we have a different problem and should call in the EHS (Emergency Hufflepuff Squad). Cause who can resist a team with a name like that?

6. Question their habit of collecting swords, armor, weapons, and other fantasy replicas.

Let’s face it. Fantasy lovers are geeks through and through. Kinda like coffee without the sugar and cream and triple chocolate mousse raspberry fudge sauce. Pure. Strong. Different.

They may not admit to it, but they’re really just mini-me versions of Bilbo or Smaug, wanting to hoard all the shiny things and increase their collection.

Lost sleep is a guaranteed side effect. Along with self-esteem issues and general distrust of humanity.

7. Dis maps.

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MAPS ARE LIFE!!!!!

MAPS ARE POWER!!!

WITHOUT MAPS THE WORLD IS A LOST AND DARK VOID.

8. Complain about all the difficult names.

Okay, it’s true fantasy characters got their names when the author closed their eyes and randomly typed things on the keyboard for 42 minutes and said, “Oh look at all these fabulous names.” It’s a fact. Look it up in any Guide to Fantasy for the Illiterate handbook.

But hard names aren’t bad. They promote brain growth. And just think about what an epic vocabulary they build.

Which is why fantasy lovers walk around with such confidence. Complaining douses their pride, which is like Gollum losing his ring.

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Secretly, deep deep down in the shadowy recesses of their souls, they probably agree with you, though. Cause some names are unpronounceable as every third town in Wales.

9. Accuse them of being a muggle.

Question: do you have nuclear-explosion-proof armor?

Answer: you’d better. And an evacuation plan. And an underground hideout stocked with six months of bread and water and Netflix.

Because this…this is the ultimate insult, the masterpiece of chaos that will rouse fury. Every fantasy lover from here to Westeros will be stricken by such a claim. And you can bet two cents and your next Starbucks latte that it will be such a deeply wounding blow that, after the fallout, they’ll shrivel away and die.

Do you really want that on your conscience?

10. State that dragons aren’t cool.

See above.

Also, have you checked the hall closet? Do you hear that muffled sniffling? (Spoiler: it’s not Katniss…wrong century and wrong setting and wrong closet).

That’s the sound of a distressed fantasy lover, heart slowly breaking into a million miserable pieces at the thought that dragons aren’t cool. Side effects include but not limited to:

• Bouts of hysteria
• Pinterest addiction
• Rallies to save the dragons
• Social media awareness campaigns with #dragonsarecool #stopthehate

Basically, any insult, insinuation, attack, belittling, or general disregard of DRAGONS = an apocalypse of wrath and probably the death sentence.

Up to you.

LET’S TALK

⇒ What would you add to this list?

⇒ What’s the worst thing someone could say to a fantasy lover?