What does it take to be the mentor for a hero?

What are the specific qualifications and general craziness of mind necessary to fill the boots of mentor?

That’s the subject of today’s character résumé.

Any time you see a hero wandering the pages of a story, you can bet your faux hobbit feet that lurking somewhere nearby is a mentor, guide, wise counselor, fountain of wisdom and pipe smoke.

You get the drift.

Grab your favorite latte—or butterbeer if you prefer that—and let’s examine the inner workings of a mentor résumé.

Mentor Résumé

Objective

My goal is to serve the greater good by serving the unsuspecting servant who will serve the greater good. In plain terms, I wish to support the hero in his myriad endeavors. To speak wisdom when he falters. To encourage when he becomes disheartened. To provide rebuke when he strays.

In more selfish areas, I’ve always wanted to smoke a pipe for a living and have a say in everything that happens.

Education

• The University for Mentors Extraordinaire—known in more rustic terms as LIFE—which taught the following: reading, writing, philosophy, riddling, rhetoric, counseling, advising, and everything else. Because mentors truly do know everything.

Skills and Abilities

• Making 80 look like the new 40.
• Growing a beard of epic length.
• Growing hair of equally epic length.
• Answering half the questions asked in some form of obscure, riddle-like language.
• Making molehills out of mountains.
• Seeing the potential in someone when no one else does.
• Giving advice even when not asked.
• Communicating with animals—an ability highly underestimated but of infinite value.
• Communicating with stubborn, selfish people, generally without losing temper—a rare but invaluable skill.
• Losing temper at the appropriate time.
• Wielding a wand as if it’s a third arm
• Owning a staff at all times, for all occasions and everything under the sun, moon, and stars.
• Smoking pipes…obviously.
• Scolding stupid people.
• Orchestrating events that impact nations.
• Offering wise words at just the right moment.
• Wielding a sword.
• Crafting elaborate, often confusing metaphors.
• Using archaic words such as “ere,” “oft,” “veracity,” and such in regular speech.
• Knowing everything.
• Acting prideful one moment yet humble the next. A truly remarkable skill, yet not one I can take credit for.
• Speaking in riddles.
• Solving riddles.
• Leading quests.
• Having a knack for selecting unsuspecting young people to determine the fate of the world…with a startlingly perfect success record.
• Living everywhere and nowhere.
• Making friends of the oddest variety.
• Helping those who need it most.
• Defending the weak, protecting the helpless, undermining the mighty, humbling the proud.
• Giving vague instructions that lead to a multitude of fan theories about the actual intent of said instructions.
• Saying profound things about life.

Experience

• Years and years and decades of general wise-ness.
• Smoking pipes…obviously.
• Dealing with all types of people in all types of situations.

References

• My parents—because unlike the hero, I actually have parents.
• My siblings. *gasp and astonishment, we actually have siblings* 😮
• The innkeepers of the numerous inns at which I’ve lodged.
• Any animals with which I’ve conversed.
• The mysterious character you may or may not know anything about, who can vouch for my veracity (SEE?!), even if he seems too sketchy to believe.

If you were applying for the position of mentor, what would you put on your résumé? I’d love to hear your thoughts.