A horde of orcs closes in.

A dragon stands in the way.

A wizard prepares to cast a spell.

How would modern characters react in such situations?

Last week I posted about the results of modern characters undertaking a fantasy quest. It wasn’t too pretty. #becausemodern

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One astute reader of my blog suggested I do a follow-up post on how said characters would fare when facing maleficent creatures known as fantasy villains. So BOOM! Here it is. (Thanks, Jenelle. 😀 )

Also, mwahahahahaha.

Modern characters pitted against fantasy’s most dastardly. This should prove…interesting.

To Die or Not to Die? That is the Question

Note: While fictional, these scenarios actually happened. Reader discretion advised for severe cases of crying, possible white-faced terror, and inordinate amounts of mad scampering for safety.

Two weary travelers stop for shade in a grove of trees to escape the heat of a summer day. A brook gurgles nearby. Eager for water, they hurry to the stream.

“Ahhhhh! There’s faces in the water!” Jackie shouts.

Blake trips on a tree root and lands with a thud.

The water thrashes as a long-necked creature emerges, gaping mouth showing hideously sharp teeth.

Jackie promptly faints and Blake curls into a ball.

♦♦♦

In a desert, a strong warrior wielding an iPhone stumbles upon a large reptilian beast hidden beneath a dune. All that survives is the iPhone.

♦♦♦

“Fight the thing!” Devin shouts to his friend Taylor. A monstrous dragon looms over the path in front of them.

Taylor stands still, body locked in fear as the dragon thunders forward with ponderous steps and sends spurts of flame from its nostrils.

“Do something!” Devin yells.

“Um…um…” Taylor gulps. “Ask Siri how to defeat a dragon!”

“Siri, how do you defeat a dragon?”

“There are three ways to defeat a dragon. Unfortunately, they all end in death. Goodbye.”

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♦♦♦

“Page 337, paragraph two. On defeating werewolves. These creatures are best confronted from the front. Well duh.”

“Garrett, stop reading that silly book.” Natalie rolls her eyes as they stroll down a busy street. “There aren’t werewolves out here. It’s the middle of the city.”

Garrett glances up. “Always best to be prepared, Sis. This is a quest, after all. We’re gonna meet something unsavory.”

Natalie takes in a sharp breath. “What was that?”

“Probably nothing, because this is the safest place on earth.” Garrett snorts. “Where the streets are full and the people laugh.”

Natalie grabs Garrett’s arm. “And the walls have eyes!”

The two teenagers stare as a nearby wall sprouts multiple sets of eyes. Then forked tongues appear, each with barbed tips dripping venom.

“That’s not in the book!” Garratt says. “How are we supposed to defeat something that’s not in the book!”

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Without answering the question, they turn and flee.

♦♦♦

Blubbering.

Wailing.

Silence.

A winged beast glides over the quiet landscape.

♦♦♦

“Run!” Haley shouts.

“I can’t,” Cindy says, panting. “I ate too many doughnuts for breakfast.”

“Donuts? What were you—” Haley’s comment is cut off by the blasting of hunting horns. The girls scramble up a mountain slope thick with trees and underbrush. Below, a dozen orcs race in pursuit.

“Keep going,” Haley says.

“I don’t want to die,” Cindy replies with jagged breaths. “I wish I had done CrossFit last year when Ryan bugged me to.”

“Maybe I can make my phone explode,” Haley says as they pause for a moment.

“It wouldn’t do any good. They’re orcs, Haley. ORCS! Where’s Boromir when we need him? Let’s scream for help.”

Haley grabs Cindy’s hand. “We need to keep running. They’re getting close.”

The girls continue their mad flight.

♦♦♦

Drew stares at the robed figure striding toward him, brandishing a carved wand. A wizard? This wasn’t part of the plan.

“Prepare to die, fool,” the wizard says, narrow face glowering.

Drew crosses his arms. “I looked up how to defeat wizards on YouTube.”

“Pathetic.” The wizard snorts.

“You know what I found out? That the Internet doesn’t really think wizards like you exist. I couldn’t find any videos. But I did find out how to defeat a villain.”

“Oh really?” the wizard says, voice cold. “Do tell.”

“Gimme a sec.” Drew pulls out his phone and taps on the screen a few times. Music begins to play. Drew grins at the wizard and starts grooving to the tune. “Dance off, bro. Me and you. Right here, right now.”

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The wizard’s face pinches in a look of disdain.

Drew pauses. “No, you’re supposed to dance. C’mon, let me see your best move.”

The wizard’s wand flashes.

Drew becomes a dancing chipmunk.

♦♦♦

These tales are but a few accounts of what happens when modern characters, ill-equipped to handle life in a fantasy realm, encounter villains and deadly beasts. Let the reader take heed to avoid suffering the same embarrassing fate.

~~~ LET’S TALK ~~~

⇒ How would you fare against a fantasy villain or creature?

⇒ What would be your go-to plan for defeating or escaping said enemy?