Did you ever wonder where villains come from?
Do villains crop up like weeds wherever they like, or is there a refined selection process that determines who makes the cut and who doesn’t?
The answer may surprise you.
While digging around in the Archive last week, I came across a document labeled An Application Guide for Aspiring Villains. The title caught my eye and I couldn’t resist a peek.
Turns out it was the right move.
Some things in the Archive should never see the light of day, but I found this guide amusing. It’s standard knowledge, nothing that will endanger the world once it sees the light of day.
Without any misgivings, and with no guilt for embarrassing any villains who may read this, I present An Application Guide for Aspiring Villains, hereby made public on March 4, 2015.
An Application Guide for Aspiring Villains
Published and circulated by the Center for Prospective Villains and Troublemakers
To whom it may concern:
If you wish to apply at the Center for Prospective Villains and Troublemakers, hereafter referred to as the CPVT, first read this list and ensure you exhibit the proper aptitudes. The CPVT desires that applicants display the following behaviors, characteristics, and qualities:
- You shall have a developed sense of twisted morality.
- You shall have a chuckle so evil it would make even your mother’s spine tingle.
- You must have a mind capable of creating dastardly and complex plans.
- Your favorite color must be black.
- If you are a woman, you must have either paralyzing beauty or repulsive ugliness. We will not consider anything in between.
- You must have studied for at least one semester at the school of Pests, Menaces, and Rogues.
- You must possess one of the following: technological genius, magical skills, or stone-shattering strength.
- You must be willing to live in remote mansions in the mountains.
- You shall have an interest in bombs, nuclear weapons, rockets, or magical items that can cause widespread destruction.
- If you are a beautiful woman, you must be able to walk with a seductive sway.
- You must be adept at tricking heroes.
- You must be able to wield weapons such as knives, handguns, lasers, and swords.
- You must be open to working at night and getting very little sleep.
- You must not have any qualms about killing henchmen.
- If you are an ugly woman, you must have tangled hair, wrinkles, and long fingernails.
- You shall have a pointy goatee or go clean-shaven.
- You must be able to display an unpleasant smirk whenever necessary.
- You must not have any fear of heights, fire, chemical solutions, sharp blades, or heroes.
- You must be ready and able to lose your temper.
- If you are a beautiful woman, you must be able to worm your way into the heart of the hero.
- You must be capable of working with robots.
- You shall have a fondness for tormenting any heroes who cross your path.
- You must have as many resources as New York City has buildings.
- You shall have read The Layman’s Guide to World Domination.
- If you are an ugly woman, you must have at least one of the following: a staff, a pointy hat, an unassuming “flower” shop, a mixture of potions, or a tattered cape.
- You must be willing to perform extremely dangerous experiments, on either yourself or your minions.
- You must not have any concern for the destruction you will cause.
- Above all, you must be willing to adhere to the Code of Villains.
Failure to comply with the stated requirements will lead to immediate dismissal and possibly termination of life (taken on a case-by-case basis).
There you have it. Now that you know the baseline qualifications for villains, does it give you a new perspective?
How well do you think the villains you’ve seen match the requirements? Please share your thoughts in the comments.