For all of us who live in hobbit holes and aren’t caught up on the happenings of the wider world, April is national humor month.
Now that I’ve been enlightened, I thought it would be appropriate to celebrate with some funny quotes from fantasy books and movies.
That means it’s your honorable duty to laugh at these—or at least chuckle.
1. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Diggers (Terry Pratchett)
2. “I’ve always been very confident in my immaturity.” – The Final Empire (Brandon Sanderson)
3. “Mawwiage. It’s what bwings us togevah today.” – Princess Bride
4. “Grey hairs don’t mean our brains have curdled.” – The Wheel of Time (Robert Jordan)
5. “‘And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don’t want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think!’
‘Good heavens! At breakfast?’” – The Fellowship of the Ring (J.R.R. Tolkien)
6. “Liam waited off to one side—on a pearl-white stallion, of course. He sat his mount as though he’d been born in the saddle, which, Errol reflected, was just possible. The bundle tied to the back of his saddle confirmed Errol’s earlier suspicions; the epitome of human perfection would be coming with them.” – A Cast of Stones (Patrick W. Carr)
7. “‘You claim to follow Arman, Kurtz? Can He possibly be pleased with your deceiving Sir Caleb and endangering Ach—Pacey?’
Kurtz leaned across the table, his sour breath wafting over Vrell’s face. ‘Me and Arman, we got us an understandin’, boy. I’m a work in progress, I am.” – To Darkness Fled (Jill Williamson)
8. “‘You’ve been sneaking second helpings, haven’t you?’
‘Well, you never know which meal’s gonna be your last. Especially with your cooking.’” – The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (movie)
9. “Talking trees. What do trees have to talk about, hmm…except the consistency of squirrel droppings?” – The Two Towers (movie)
10. “Anyone who claimed that old age had brought them patience was either lying or senile.” – The Wheel of Time (Robert Jordan)
11. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.” – Jingo (Terry Pratchett)
12. “‘They stuff people’s head down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice?’
‘No thanks, the poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it—it might be sick.’” – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (J.K. Rowling)
13. “‘Besides, we could all use the fresh air.’
‘It’s not like there isn’t air inside.’” – The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (movie)
14. “Ah, the outdoors. I visited that mythical place once.” – The Way of Kings (Brandon Sanderson)
15. “When he sat forward in his throne, shadowy faces appeared in the folds of his black robes, faces of torment, as if the garment were stitched of trapped souls from the Field of Punishment. The ADHD part of me wondered, off-task, whether the rest of his clothes were made the same way. What horrible things would you have to do in your life to be woven into Hades’ underwear?” – The Lightning Thief (Rick Riordan)
And for the grand finale, two hilarious exchanges:
The Final Empire (Brandon Sanderson)
Occurs after Ham and Kelsier have learned how to speak in Spook’s dialect.
Spook: Niceing the not on the playing without.
Breeze: I have no idea what you just said, child. So I’m simply going to pretend it was coherent, then move on.
Kelsier: *rolls eyes* Losing the stress on the nip. Notting without the needing of care.
Spook: *nods* Riding the rile of the rids to the right.
Breeze: What are you two babbling about?
Spook: Wasing the was of brightness. Nip the having of wishing of this.
Kelsier: Ever wasing the doing of this.
Ham: Ever wasing the wish of having the have. Brighting the wish of wasing the not.
Breeze: *to Dockson* I believe our companions have finally lost their minds, dear friend.
Dockson: Wasing not of wasing is.
Mort (Terry Pratchett)
Death is planning for his day.
Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn’t entirely there.
Death: You haven’t heard of the Bay of Mante, have you?
Mort: No, sir.
Death: Famous shipwreck there.
Mort: Was there?
Death: There will be, if I can find the damn place.
Nothing like a good laugh, right? What are some of your favorite funny quotes from fantasy? I would love to hear your thoughts.
270 thoughts on “15 Funny Quotes from Fantasy”
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