21 Things You Should Never Say to Wizards

Don’t be like Pippin.

Of all the characters in Lord of the Rings, Pippin had a natural knack for putting his hairy foot in his mouth or doing things that brought down Gandalf’s well-honed ire.

sad girlWizards can be a temperamental bunch. Like a tornado, they’re amazingly powerful and highly unpredictable. It’s a good idea to stay on their amiable side and not take the dark paths Pippin often followed.

Not all wizards are created equal, but there are some guidelines for dealing with them that should keep you safely outside the cauldron of their displeasure.

It’s been ages since I visited the Archive. Procrastination? Never. I’ll blame it on a busy life.

Good thing I finally set aside some time to do some exploring. I came across this list of guidelines in the Life Lessons section of the Archive. It contains firsthand advice on things you should never say to wizards of all ages, sizes, and temperaments.

Avoid These Questions and Statements at All Cost

1. Hello, sir. I noticed you’re in dire need of a barber. May I suggest someone?

2. I hope you’re aware that smoking is bad for your lungs and lowers life expectancy.

3. I dare you to try doing magic without your precious wand or staff.

4. Why are the people you decide to make heroes always young, weak, and unskilled?

5. Leave me alone and stop interfering with my life. I’m not a hero, all right?

6. Can you stop speaking in riddles and tell me what you mean?

7. If you’re so powerful, why do you always find inexperienced protégés to defeat the enemy? Aren’t you capable?

8. Did you know that (insert name of more famous wizard) has more quote graphics on the internet than you do?

9. Is there an off-switch for your sarcasm?

10. Just because you’re a wizard and can do awesome things doesn’t mean you need an ego the size of Texas.

11. Did you realize that technically you’re in the business of life coaching? You really should focus on building an online presence and collecting client testimonies.

12. When did you attend Hogwarts?

13. Why do you have an axe to grind with stupid people who do reckless things? Can’t you live and let live?

14. If you ever consider cosplaying as yourself, don’t do it. That would be lame.

15. Have you ever contemplated the possibility that you’re not right all the time?

16. Your voice sounds too gruff and scratchy. Here, have a lozenge.

17. You’re too young to be a wizard…and besides, you lack the mandatory gray hair or a long beard.

18. I hope you can be okay with the fact that you’ll never be as popular as Harry Potter.

19. If you’re a wizard, you must hail from the land of Oz.

20. Did you decide to become a wizard because you failed at everything else in school?

21. Have you been properly certified to practice magic?

Sage advice, don’t you think? The contributors to this list stress the importance of keeping it handy.

After all, you never know when a wizard will pop into your life.

What would you add to the list? I’d love to hear your thoughts.


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