Some heroes are unique. Some are special.
But only a select few, the pumpkin pie of Thanksgiving dinner, are super.
Thus the inexplicably brilliant title of superhero.
It takes a special breed of person (sometimes alien) to attain this lofty status. A magnificent power on the same level as eating sixty hotdogs in a minute. Except better and more useful and way more entertaining.
Say this gifted individual wanted to apply for the role of superhero. What would such a résumé look like?
A Superhero’s Résumé
Objective
To save the world. Obviously. To do that, I need to put myself in a suitable position. Anyone thinks it’s possible to become a hero, but in reality we’re a rare and gifted breed. I want to display that otherness, that unique quality of superhero, for everyone to admire and appreciate.
Other goals include running (or flying) around doing awesome stuff and getting news coverage and saving people.
Oh, and can’t forget the shirtless screen time. Which is an excuse and incentive to become as ripped as humanly possible. Because what’s a hero without muscles?
Education
- Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Middle School
- Cape Point High School
- University of Battle and Destruction
- Muscle Molding Academy
- The Cliché Handbook
- Orphan Kids Anonymous Magazine
Skills and Abilities
- Not dying
- Destroying entire city blocks in mere moments
- Saving endangered citizens in the nick of time
- Having way too many abs
- Outgunning the villain
- Caring for those around me
- Putting the safety of others first
- Showing off ridiculous strength
- Knowing exactly the right thing to say (most of the time)
- Taking my shirt off in front of the camera
- Revealing conspiracies and traitors
- Protecting basically everyone
- Loving friends and family
- Lying to friends and family about my identity to keep them safe (see previous)
- Having many personal flaws, which leads to relatability
- Making spandex look cool
- Disguising myself
- Wearing an awesomesauce suit (see above)
- Teaming up with others to defeat a common enemy
- Getting product endorsements
- Securing loads of air time on TV
- Modeling for Funko Pop figures
- Waiting until the last possible moment to win the day
- Attracting beautiful girlfriends
- Having some association, either direct or indirect, with New York City
- Stirring up political unrest
- Saying cliché things
- Lacking parents
- Taking down at least a dozen of the villain’s henchmen at once
- Escaping from inescapable predicaments
- Possessing a certain charm and charisma
- Having perfect hair, perfect teeth, and beyond perfect biceps
- Rocking the cape style
Experience
- Taking on bullies in high school
- Growing up without parents
References
- Aunt and uncle who raised me in place of my parents
- The villain and consequential minions
- People I’ve saved
- Cities I’ve saved
- Countries I’ve saved
- Basically anyone
If you were applying for the position villain, what would you put on your résumé? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
